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Extended families after seperation
Posted by: Wilco11
16/02/10 at 4:48 pm
My partner split up with his ex 4 years ago after a very messy and horrible seperation whereby his ex took his baby away to another country without him knowing and changed his name. The mother has done many things over the years to stop him seeing his baby and has threatened to stop all contact but since I have been in his life, he has built up a brilliant relationship with his child despite her resistance.
My issue is that his family (mum, dad, sister in law) seem to want to keep a very close relationship with the ex and are constantly talking about her to me. I understand that contact should definetely be kept up for the sake of the child, however, their relationship goes beyond this (photos around the house, sending birthday cards/presents). The most recent incident is that the ex wants to visit (she is in another country) especially to see a new born baby in my partners family.
My view is that the ex gave up all right to be part of any of my partner's family events the day she walked out on him with his baby.
My partner can't see this and says that he doesn't want to be involved in any of his families relationships with his ex or tell them what they can and can't do. He isn't prepared to talk to his ex or his family to let them know that this is damaging our relationship/his future. I just don't understand how his family can behave this way when the ex has been so horredously horrible and taken their grandchild/brother's child away.
Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. Is it me over reacting?
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There are currently 2 replies.
Re: Extended families after seperation
Posted by: kenn@springgarden
19/02/10 at 8:41 am
Your are right when you say that the child should come first. This is not the ex's family, but it is the child's family and as such the child should have every oportunity to know them, including the extended family.
As for Dad, well think about it, he's being up front, he's not trying to hide the situation from you. The family, no doubt, have a good relationship with the mother of their grandchild, etc. etc. My work is full of poor family relationships it seem that this family has it just about right.
As for you, well I understand that you may feel uncomfortable, even jealous? You need to be bigger than this and embrace your partner's family, who knows, if you decide to have a family these in-laws could be a great asset. If you decide to stay with the guy then you are likely to spend a lot of years having to face this. My advice is get used to it.
Kenn Griffiths Contact Consultant Child & Family Independent sociakl worker and Private Investigator.
Re: Extended families after seperation
Posted by: Wilco11
25/02/10 at 1:22 pm
Hi there - thanks for your response. It seems you have alot of knowledge on this subject.
Just to be clear, it is not that I am trying to keep the child away from his family or his daddy at all. In fact, quite the opposite. When I first met my partner he was ready to walk away (and basically had done) from the child. With months of talking and my advice on how to deal with the situation, he now has a fantastic relationship with the child. One that can't be faulted given the circumstances.
My question really centered around letting the childs mother (who walked out on my partner and took his child away, and changed his name) into the home of my partner's brother who is about to have a baby. I just feel that there should be a line that the ex is not welcome past. Having a baby is an extremely personal event and letting my partner's ex in their home (and travel from the country she lives in) with the special intent of seeing the baby just doesn't seem right to me. I have absolutely no issue with the child setting up a relationship with the baby and coming to visit the baby as I fully understand that this is his family. But, I guess what im saying is that it's not the ex's family.
I appreciate any advice you have on how better to deal with this. Are you saying that this is how it will be and that I need to accept it and that there will be 2 women in my partner's life (which is what it feels like now) or I walk away?
Kind Regards,
