Is he telling the truth????

Posted by: Cecilia
14/08/08 at 4:18 pm

I am grappling with trusting after three or four episodes in which my husband flirted with others; his co-worker, neighbor, young lady at the gym and his neighbor. After hearing a cepphone conversation I wasnt supposed to hear, iin which he told her everything going on his life but didn't mention me, and ended with a conern over her injured shoulder, telling her to knock on his door if she ever needs help, and reiterated that he really meant it (using her name in this last sentence). Six months have passed since that last one, and I'm still grappling. I wondered what he thought was the reason I had trouble trusting him, and here's our ensuing conversation (convo):

ME:I need to ask u something. Why do u think I am having such a hard time believing u

HIM:partly because u were hurt in incomprehensible ways by those u trusted, and when its done by those u trust, its devastating

ME:partly?

HIM:no, it’s a major part. That’s why I was so hesitant to commit , knowing what u’d been thru

ME:I’m fearful..

HIM:(interrupting) I’m sure u are, its natural after being thru what u’ve been thru

ME:I’m concerned that ur not taking any responsibility in this

HIM:(interrupting) Oh, but I am. It’s like gasoline and a match. A match wouldn’t blow up a block on its own, and gasoline by itself isn’t harmful.

ME:which one do u think u are, a match or the gasoline

HIM:it doesn’t matter

ME:I think in ur analogy I’m the gasoline

HIM:ok

ME:what would a healthy partner have felt/said when she initiates convo’s with Terri and Terri only addresses you, and not ur partner

HIM:she would feel the same, but the key is to talk it through. It’s critical.

ME:what would she say

HIM:she would ask me not to do it again

ME:what would she feel or say if you failed, like the cell phone convo I wasn’t meant to hear

HIM:she would have felt the same way as u. I realized that if a partner didn’t care she wouldn’t get upset

ME:(interrupting) like ur past relationship (ex-wife but he could’ve interpd as Dorothy)

HIM:mm .  u getting upset showed me u care, and being so upset showed me the level of how much u care, so I decided to commit at that point

ME:(interrupting) that Terri thing was only a few months ago!

HIM:when?

ME:I’d say early spring… March

HIM:I’d agree with that – six months ago

HIM:I have to get off the phone

ME:Ok – we’ll talk at lunch

HIM:ok.  bye

ME:bye

 

Is he telling the truth???

Cecilia