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Sitting in the middle of wreckage
Posted by: Lesley
18/06/07 at 3:31 pm
Hi,
I never thought, like most of you I guess, that I'd be here but last week, my husband of 20 years, decided, totally out of the blue, that he didn't want to be married anymore.
I feel totally shellshocked. I'm 48 with three children, none of whom know about this yet. My husband went to stay in a hotel for a few days just this morning - and I don't think he's coming back. He says he doesn't want to try to save our marriage even though we had a reasonably good one. Or so I thought. Yes, we've had our ups and downs - he's been sociophobic for years and spent two years at home (he's self employed). He simply didn't go into work one day. I supported him through this, I've supported him through the years of no socialising. I've helped him build up his business. He has been on anti-depressants in the past and I'm convinced that this is what is at the bottom of what's just happened. He doesn't seem to be rational about this. One minute he saying he will always love me and look after me, the next that he doesn't want to try to save our marriage.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I've got an appointment with Relate on Friday, but A won't go. Just like he refuses to go to the doctors to get help. All I can do is watch my marriage and my whole life fall apart and I don't seem to be able to do anything about it.
My daughter has just finished her GCSE's (this morning) and is looking forward to the summer holidays. My youngest is 12 and has no idea what's happened and my eldest is 18 and has an apprenticeship.
I can't believe that all the support I've given my husband over the years has just been thrown back in my face.
It hasn't helped that his business has taken a nose dive over the last year. Again, he's spent a lot of time at home during the day; evenings have been spent at the rugby club where he's heavily involved. I have spent a lot of time on my own over the years so, in one sense, his leaving won't make much difference. But I don't want my marriage to end. It was a good one. I can't believe I was so wrong.
Has anyone else been through anything like this?
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There are currently 4 replies.
Re: Sitting in the middle of wreckage
Posted by: Sue Brocklehurst
21/06/07 at 2:25 pm
Hello Lesley
After reading about your situation, I felt I could have been the author. Exactly the same thing happened to me, except there were no children involved. After 24 very happy years of marriage, my previously wonderful, loving husband changed over a period of months into a virtual stranger. He distanced himself from me, refused to talk to me about anything and was too much of a coward to tell me that he wanted out. I carried on for almost 12 months thinking that he was going through some kind of mid life crisis and I prayed every day that he would revert to the fabulous man I married. Sadly it was not to be and, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I had no alternative but to pack my bags and move in with my best friend, otherwise I know that I would have ended up in hospital. For eight months I lived out of a suitcase moving from one friend to another, as well as holding down a full-time job. I had many, many black days and if it wasn't for the love and support of a few very special people, I know that I would not be around today. To say that life has been tough is an understatement. I really feel for you and the situation you find yourself in. However, 8 months later, I have just moved into my own house in a completely new area and I am embarking on a completely fresh start. I still have some bad days naturally, but I am feeling stronger and more positive - and I now know that there is another life for me - one which I hope eventually will be filled with happiness and contentment. Please keep going Lesley - it does get better - only a very little bit at a time - but life does improve. At the moment, you probably can't ever imagine that things will ever be any different but, trust me, they will in time. Take good care of yourself.
Re: Sitting in the middle of wreckage
Posted by: BlueMaz
22/06/07 at 9:35 pm
Hi Lesley
I can't offer you any advice as I'm in exactly the same place as you. My VERY loving husband of 19 years told me about 9 weeks ago that "I can't do this anymore". We previously didn't fight or argue...well, no more than anyone else. We were 'Mr and Mrs Christmas, Jack and Vera from Corrie'. We were an extremely stable couple. We have 2 beautiful sons. One is 16 and was about to start his GCSE's and one that's 12. He is a star in himself. Last year he won Citizen of the year from the police force and there could be no other child as sweet.
My husband left to 'sort his head out' and went to live with his mum but within 2 weeks he was living with another woman. Very unfortunately, we all work for the same company. When I found this out, I couldn't face work obviously and took a weeks holiday and a weeks sick. I just felt so much pain it was physically sickening. That as you probably well know is an understatement. No-one can appreciate the pain unless they've been there can they? Going to work for 8 hours knowing that they were there was awful.
The children distanced themselves from their Dad when they found out about 'the other woman'. Loyalty to me I guess, but I never encouraged it. I didn't encourage it either to my shame, but I wanted him to feel some pain. My husband woke up one morning about two weeks ago and felt that pain. He contacted me after moving back to his mothers and we discussed reconcilliation. I took him back a week later with open arms and no recriminations as I thought he had no feelings for this other woman. That was last Friday. This morning, he left me again...for her. I am absolutely devastated that he has tore our family apart for this woman. There's much more to my story than I can write because I'd be here all night. But, if you can imagine that there was all the love in the world spreading far and wide with close family and friends you'll have an idea how many have been affected.
What does the future hold? I only hope that the pain in my heart will fade quickly.
Good luck
Marie
Re: Sitting in the middle of wreckage
Posted by: Katherine
23/07/07 at 9:14 am
Strange as it might seem, I took some comfort from reading your stories. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this, but the feeling that it isn't just me helps a little bit.
I am just about to start the fourth week on my own since my huband of 7 years announced that he didn't love me any more and couldn't see any future for us together. Though it sounds like a cliche, it really did come as a bolt out of the blue. Of course after 10 years together I had come to terms with the fact that a relationship will change. We had become 'best friends', shared pretty much all our interests in common and genuinley had fun together.
Disappointingly, he still couldn't pluck up the courage to confront his obvious unhapiness or talk about it to me and so started to be pretty dismissive of me and the kind, thoughtful, loving side of him disappeared over a period of a few weeks. I thought he was having an affair, which he strenuously denied but basically I think he was making things so unpleasant for me that I would force his hand, which is what happened.
I am now left with incredible hurt. I don't understand where things went wrong, I keep trying to work out when or what I might have done something to trigger this. I'm deeply hurt that the man that I thought bought into a relationship for better or worse can walk away with no wish to try to fix it. I am scared about what happens to my security, financial and otherwise, that I took for granted. Most of all I just want to beg him to come back and make it all ok again. But I know that isn't going to happen.
I have been away to gather my thoughts and clear my head, he has decided to deal with it by refusing to talk to me and working all hours.
How do you get through the days when there is that constant physical feeling of pain in your stomach?
Re: Sitting in the middle of wreckage
Posted by: Diane
25/07/07 at 5:31 am
