What to do, what to do...........

Posted by: Reedy
04/05/10 at 5:04 pm

I have been married to my wife for 16 years, and for the most part, happily.  We have three children aged between 7 and 13.  I feel we have drifted apart over the last few years, and I can almost pinpoint it to the time of my sister-in-law's death, at a very young age.  My wife and I both contribute to the running and upkeep of the family home, and of course, to the upbringing of our children. 

My wife is quite a "low" person and lacks self confidence and I feel likes to play the martyr.  She always worries about other people's problems, which quite frankly, drives me mad, but she just says "that's the way she is". 

She certainly never used to be like this, we used to have such a laugh, and really enjoy each other's company, but I feel over the last few years, either one of us or both of us have changed and we have little in common any more, apart from the children.  Sex is, quite frankly boring, it's always in bed, in the dark, lights off, eyes closed, and it just doesn't turn me on, it's like she's forgotten how we used to be!  We made love the other day on the living room floor and she didn't like it because the lights were on and I could see her wobbly bits! FFS!

When I was younger I was heavily into keeping fit and training but when the children came along I sacrificed all of that.  Then about 18months ago I got the bug again and started training.  I shed 2 stone and have become really fit again and I now enjoy my training again.  She doesn't see the point in me training, why would I?  Her attitude on this just makes me want to train even more.  She never commented on how much weight I'd lost (from 14 stone down to a lean 12), she only commented on how much money I was spending on new clothes!

Anyway, to get to the real issue here, I have met someone else!  Someome who showed a little bit of interest in me, and who flattered me.  And I liked that, I liked the feeling.

Things progressed with this other woman I met, and we have both fallen in love with each other.  She is also unhappily married with 3 children.

The hard part is knowing that this is not just down to sex.  Yes, sex is fantastic with my lover, but we've had sex only 3 times in 6 months.  We hardly see each other, and when we do, it's pretty much just 10 minutes here and there, unless we can book a hotel room for about two hours.  We speak and text though every day.

I don't know whether I'm just confused, or whether this can be classed as a midlife crisis (I'm 41), all I know is that I'm deeply deeply in love with this other woman, and I know she is with me, and I'm questioning whether I'm still in love with my wife.  I love her, but I don't think I'm in love with her anymore.

Should I end the affair (at which point I know I would feel devastated, probably suicidal, as I don't think I could go on without her), and try to make things work with my wife.  Should I stay in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the children, who I know would be broken if I left.  Or should I end my marriage in the hope I can be with the one I've always wished for?

I'm not really expecting any answers here, but this is the first time I've aired this as I don't have anyone to talk to, and I feel it's coming to a head.  I don't want to hurt my wife, but selfishly, I don't want to be unhappily married for the next 30 years either.  Should I just bite the bullet now and move on?  Couples split up all the time don't they?  My head's not in a good place right now.

The head says end the affair, but my heart would be broken if I did that.