Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 11:44 am

Sorry to hear of your troubles, when this kind of thing happensit's so very painful as the truth finally begins to dawn. It does seem obvious that your wife wants out and there is not much you can do about it. I am having to watch my daughter go through the same thing. Her husband just went very quiet on her and resisted all her efforts to get things sorted. Wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't go to relate, wouldn't agree they had a future and finally said he didn't love her anymore. They have been together 7 yrs and married less than 1 year, and now he has gone home to his mum. He is also 31 and she is 27, and she absolutely adored him. Now all he wants to talk about is finance, splitting equity in the house etc. and I am having to watch my bright bubbly girl fall apart in front of my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how it hurts me and I know your family must be hurting for you too. Do you think your wife has anyone else?

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 12:04 pm

Thank you Miss Shazza for your kind words. In answer to your question, there is no one else, which makes it worse to be honest. We have continued to see each other for the odd drink or meal, but her feelings have not changed. The best of it is, she actually says I am a better person now aswell. I cannot get her to make a fresh start, the bottom line is, she does not love me anymore and just says it will not work. We are at the " I want to move on" stage now, a lovely expression. She has told me that she has sat and thought about her feelings for the last six months and she does not feel any different. It has been difficult to be on a level playing field, because she moved out straight away, her life takes a small step further away from me everyday, so it just gets harder to start again. I think because of the sacrifices we made, she just wants to be her own boss and be a free spirit, she just will not let the past go. She is going travelling at the end of the year, something we were going to do together, I have even said I would wait for her. As for my family, I have not got any, it is just me now, she has a lovely family, I miss them all very much.

I hope things work out for your Daughter, unfortunately, you cannot help how you feel.

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 12:27 pm

Oh, Dan, I'm so sorry you don't have any family, god knows how you are coping with this alone. I'm certain my daughter would've done something to herself by now if we hadn't all rallied round with massive support, not just family but friends as well. My soon to be ex son in law got on well with us all, though his own family were no help to him, we welcomed him totally into our family and I just can't believe he has done this to my daughter. Like you, there's a great sadness at the waste of it all, the seven and a half years of good times, gone in a moment. You have clearly tried everything to save your marriage and if your wife has no interest in that, maybe it's time to back off and let her make the next move? If there is any feeling left in her for you, she will do that. If she doesn't, well, you can't waste any more years chasing her, can you? I assume you have no children, which is a blessing in one way. My daughter lost their 1st baby last August and I never at the time thought I'd be glad that had happened. but a child would've tied him to her forever and that's the last thing I want for her, tied to a man who can say he doesn't love her just months after the wedding. Do you have good friends you can talk to? 

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 1:05 pm

Miss Shazza. I do have some nice friends but I do not go out much anymore. I used to be the life and soul of the party, but, if I go out now, say to watch a band or something, I miss my wife being next to me, so it makes me feel worse. Men and women are so different. My wife's friends support her by going out for lunch, shopping or taking her on holiday, my friends think a dozen pints of lager is a bloke being supportive, men are useless at this sort of thing. I can honestly say, that I have realised that women are far stronger in " real life" situations. Clare was certainly my rock, and when I look at other relationships, that seems to be the norm. I certainly think when a man becomes comfortable in a relationship, he takes his partner for granted, not in a nasty way, but, you do not know what you have got until it's gone.

My latest theory is that maybe women are so good at life in general, is because the spend at least an hour a day in the bath which gives them time to think before they open their mouths! well, a bit of humour never hurt anyone.

I think the only chance I have now is to let her go to see if she misses me, I last two days maximum at the moment before I have to pick up the phone. Can you offer any advice from a woman's perspective?

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 2:10 pm

I certainly wouldn't phone her no matter how hard this is. You would come across as desperate and while you might readily admit that you are, she would lose what little respect she may have for you and see you as a clingy nuisance, and at best she might agree to stay with you out of pity, which is the last thing you want. If she cares at all, or has any memories of the good times, she should be hurting as badly as you are and this time apart should be torture for her. It doesn't look that way and she seems quite happy away from you. I know guys are useless at supportive listening and if there's nobody who can offer more than a gallon or two of ale, you must be in emotional meltdown and Clare simply would not do this to you if she cared anything at all for you. When my daughter's husband walked out she'd gone as far as begging him to give their marriage another chance, but he'd made his mind up and that was that. he kept saying he was confused, needed space, didn't know if he loved her etc. and when she rang him after two weeks apart (no contact from him) he just said he didn't want to work at it and they were over. i thought it was only men who could be so cruel, but now you are showing me women can do it too. You are only 31, you are young enough to start again, terrifying though that is. Who knows, if you back off and start talking divorce she might panic and realise she wants you after all. Play it cool, DO NOT text or ring her and see how it goes

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 2:35 pm

Thank you so much for your advice. I felt terrible this morning and you have really brightened up my day. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a fine mum. I am just going to back off from the situation now and see what unfolds.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart, all the best...

Dan.x

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 3:18 pm

well,you might just find it does the trick!! Nothing else is going to work so you've got nothing to lose really, have you? When you are at rock bottom you can't get any lower, so the only way is up!! I really hope it works for you because you sound like a lovely caring lad who deserves better treatment. Surely your wife could realise that losing your mum is a massive hammer blow to anybody and it will take you years to get over it. I am so sorry she has failed you in your hour of need.  When my daughter lost the baby her husband, instead of supporting her, just wallowed in self pity and actually used the strain the miscarriage put on him as one of his reasons for wanting out. Nice chap or what?

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 5:40 pm

How bizarre, Clare is a teacher too! I am a cheeky car salesman. Snoopy is five years old and mental. He is a rescue dog that was abandoned as a puppy, he's fantastic. I have worked in the motor trade for twelve years, I swear one day I will get a real job, but the money is good and you have a great laugh. I hope we can keep in touch, it would be nice to now how your daughter gets on.

 

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 4:32 pm

Red wine??? Tell me about it!! When my daughter is hurting like she is, I'm drowning in the stuff!! Normally I'm a couple of lagers/ciders type but after the first few sleepless nights worrying to death I thought I'd be no good to her like this, totally zombified through lack of sleep, so hit the bottle... it was either that or go and rip her husband's b*lls off!! A glass or six of red wine does the trick; I wake up and stare at the ceiling about 4am instead of all noght, so that's got to be progress. Probably wrecking my liver but thats not high on my priority list just now...looks like my daughter's going to lose her house too, now. he wants her to sell it and split the equity, she'd like to stay there but can't afford to buy him out. Have you got to that stage yet with Clare, selling your former home? that's when the nightmare becomes grim reality., but then the whole thing's a nightmare, isnt it? I so wish you had your mum there to hug you. She'd have hated to see her boy suffer like this

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 5:04 pm

We are in the process of getting the house valued. I am putting a new kitchen in at the moment to help bump the money up. It's a strange feeling doing up our home to sell. With me still living here, there are so many constant reminders of our marriage. Clare is quite lucky in that respect as her flat has no memories of us, so it must be easier. Even if I could keep the house on, it would be strange to stay as it was our first home together. I think I will rent in the short term while I decide what to do. I got to keep the dog so it's just me and snoopy against the world soon!

It sounds like your daughter is having a real hard time. I have had to bounce back a few times over the years. My father left my mother when I was born, my step father would get drunk and beat my mother black and blue, and he was twice her size. Twelve years ago my mum and I had no home through a reposession and barely enough money for food. We got back on our feet, I got a good job and we started from scratch. Unfortunately, she developed a chronic lung disease until, eventually, she became house bound attached to an oxygen machine, it was afwul watching her waste away. If I can give her any advice it is do not forget who you are and don't change. I have had some rotten luck but I have never blamed anyone, or turned into a nasty person myself. Sometimes bad things happen and, as I have learned, she must never, ever put herself down.

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 5:24 pm

you have had a bad time,haven't you? Your childhood sounds horrendous and it must have been hard for you to keep your hands off your abusive dad. Often boys turn out like their dads, it's good that you didn't and you should be proud of that. you must have been a tremendous comfort to your mum in her last illness and I'm sure made it easier to bear for her. nobody can take that away from you. what job do you have? My daughter's a teacher and her husband a policeman, at least she will be able to fend for herself financially when he's gone for good. She saw a solicitor today for the first time and will be over later to tell what he said. Funny, it's just her and the dog too! He even wanted to take the dog but I said to leave the dog with me, see if he dares try to take it then!! So now I have my own dog who's 11 being hassled to death by her dog who's four and wants to play while mine wants to sleep... much growling going on there, and the dogs are as bad...!!! Give Snoopy a hug from me, and one for you too

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 6:49 pm

So many coincidences here, it's uncanny! My daughter got her dog Lucy through a rescue centre too, a tiny pup that tripled in size overnight soon as they got her home! She is gorgeous though, if a bit hyper. Just found out My daughter's friends are taking her to london for a few days ttry to chill so I've got Lucy till Saturday... the things we do for our kids!!At 27 she's not a kid but she's still MY kid and I'll always be there for her.(till I shrug off my mortal coil that is, which will be sooner rather than later at this rate!) Stress kills...!! Her solicitor just quoted her £1000 for a divorce so she will get a few more estimates. I mentioned the quickie divorce you see on the internet but she's got no idea of financial entitlements and he might rip her off, so a solicitor might be for the best.  Yes, it would be good to stay in touch, I'd love your story to have a happy ending one way or another.

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 5:51 pm

Miss Shazza.

How bizarre, Clare is a teacher too! I am a cheeky car salesman. I have worked in the motor trade for twelve years, I keep meaning to get a real job, but the money is good and we have a great laugh. Snoopy is five and mental, seriously, he is fantastic. I have had him since he was five weeks old from a rescue centre as he was abandoned. I hope we can keep in touch, it would be nice to know how your daughter gets on.

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
10/04/07 at 8:48 pm

hope you saw my last response to you, they put it in the wrong place. Seems like ben is going throughit, too, and his pain must be even more raw as his wedding was more recent again. It,s so hard to deal with all the massive decisions involved,ie. the house selling, solicitors, having to speak about unreasonable behaviour.. hard enough at the best of times but when you are stressed out and short on sleep and having to hold a job down too it's almost impossible. i can't bear to look at my daughter's wedding photos now, so soon after they were taken... all those preparations for nothing. Girls dream of their wedding day from childhood, but he's dirtied that now. She can't even look back and say it was a good day, because it feels like a sick joke now. I haven't even got round to telling some of the older relatives that there's a divorce on the cards. i know you, dan, and Ben and my daughter WILL get through to better times ahead but it will be hard to trust again, wont it? Big hug for you!!

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: DAN 13
10/04/07 at 9:15 pm

Miss Shazza

Yes I did see your reply. £1000 for a divorce eh? Ouch! Oh well, we will see what happens. Good luck.

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: jedi
30/04/07 at 8:52 pm

Hi, i have been reading the comments and replies regarding Dan and his situation and i have to ask if anyone would help and maybe talk to me. I am at the moment a jibbering wreck of a man in similar circumstances. I have a bitter and painful divorce behind me which took me about 3 years to get over, i didn't think i would as she was "the one" we were together 11 years before we married and six months into the marriage she decided she loved another woman and it was over, i was completely destroyed and thought my entire life was over. thankfully we did not have any children so it kind of made the process smoother if not any easier for me anyway. Anyway 3 years later i met a wonderful girl and we fell for each other very quickly, she is 12 years younger than me but it has never really been an issue. when we met and got together she was 18 by the time she was 21 we were married and had two kids, everyone said she was too young but we were generally happy. Over the last three or four weeks we have been going through a really rough patch and she had moved into the spare room for about the last two weeks. I had a birthday last week and she got me some lovely presents from the kids and from her too and i had a reasonable birthday, we had a talk and we decided to give our marriage another try. Most of the problems were on my part as i did not realise that i had put up a barrier shortly after we married and had been taking her for granted and keeping her at arms length, probably because of the pain i went through with my previous divorce. I agreed to work on that and to try to be like i was when we first met and started going out. I love her deeply and was prepared to do anything to make this marriage work. On the night of my birthday she moved back into our room and we were making real progress. I think at this point i should say that about two years ago my wife was diagnosed with a serious condition in and around the womb, which causes pain and especially on her monthly cycle. She has been under a consultant surgeon who is the leading expert in this country for about two years and has had four surgeries for the condition over the last four years. About four weeks ago she had a routine blood test which showed a problem with her kidney's not functioning properly so all her pain releife drugs for the other condition were now of no use. The consultant prescribed another for of pain killer but didn't tell us it was morphined based and the first time she took it she became so ill we had to get her to see an emergency doctor, who said she was overdosing on the amount of morphine. She had just got over that when she got her regular appointment through to see her consultant last week, the day after my birthday. The agreement was that we would take the kids to nursery and book the youngest into after school club for a couple of hours as he only does mornings until september as he is four years old, this would enable me to go to the hospital for the inevitable news that the condition had had such an adverse effect on my wife's system that the only choice left to her was a hysterectomy. On the friday morning however my wife said she wanted to go to the hospital on her own and discuss thing when she came home later, all i had to do was a few chores around the house and then go to the school to pick up my youngest son at 11.30 when he finished. Fairly simple right?  WRONG! i was doing the chores when i got a text from my wife saying she had to be on hrt injections for approx 6 months, the first of which had been done while she was at the hospital, and after that the next thing was indeed the hystorectomy! my heart sank and i couldn't think straight waiting for her to get home to discuss where we went from there. The phone wrang and when i answered it my wife asked where the hell i was, to which i replied in the bedroom putting away washing. I had been so worried about her i completely lost track of time and didn't realise it was ten past twelve and i had forgotten to pick up my son. I was devestated when she announced "that's it we are over " and called me lots of names which i deserved. How could i have been so stupid as to forget to pick up my son? she said she would never forgive  me and moved into her mum's with the kids. She now says the same sort's of things as Dan's (wife) that she no longer loves me or has any feelings for me and she too wants a divorce. I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help or advice, my head is spinning and my chest feel like there is a huge crator where my heart should be. I feel alone and isolated as we moved from my hometown London to the West Midlands when we got married and i have never made any freinds of my own here, all the freinds i have here we made together, the old faithfull ones i have known most of my life are scattered around the southern part of the country and the closest of them is 200 odd miles away, one is in sunderland which is about 250 miles so i can only contact them on the phone right now. over the weekend she has let me see and have the kids overnight as she works odd hours in the evenings and weekends so it fits her work pattern to have me as a babysitter. Don't gat me wrong i am taking all the time i can get with my kids i love them to bits, but i also love my wife dearly but she won't even stay in the same room with me for longer than a few minutes. Now it seems she has forgotten about what set this off on friday (me forgetting to pick up my son) and has fixated on some events that took place four and a half years ago when she thought i had had an affair (which i hadn't) now that is what seems to be driving her she is convinced i did and dragged it all up again, i have no idea why. I love her deeply and just want another chance to make this work, i would do anything for her to come back and just talk to me, can anyone help?      

Re: can we save our marriage?

Posted by: george
08/09/08 at 1:54 pm

reading through these posts and some seem similar to a situation im in at the minute. id appreciate any advice anyone can offer.

ive been with my wife 4 1/2 years and been married only 2 months. this should be the best time of my life but it is slowly turning into a nightmare. a few months before the wedding my wife was having doubts even right up until 2 days before the wedding. there was an instance about a month before the wedding where my wife got up one sunday morning to tell me she was going to see a male friend from work. this set the alarm bells ringing and i thought she may have been cheating. while she was gone i couldnt get hold of her by telephone. she was back within a few hours claiming she didnt feel well and that she definitely didnt do anything. for the next while and even on honeymoon i mentioned this incident and offcourse she got upset as she was adamant nothing happened. anyway we got married and the last few months she has said to me she feels different, doesnt know what she wants out of life, doesnt love me, needs a holiday and had the rings on and off. last saturday at a family function she was acting off and i eventually made my excusees and went home. for the past week she slept on the sofa and said it was definitely finished. yesterday she was on the phone a lot again and i asked who she was speaking too. she claimed it was someone from america who she chats to on xbox. she even showed me the number on her phone and it was a foreign number. later in the day she was on the phone again and i thought it was to a bloke but turned out to be her mother. i then told her to pack her bags and go. she did just that. now regret doing that but all this is just really getting too me. she says she wants to sell the flat although i dont want too. saying that id struggle to continue living there on my own. we have only had flat 18 months and i checked the payments so we have mainly been paying interest, so there is little equity in the property for us. she says she will be returning on tuesday but maybe only to collect a few more clothes. thing is i dont know what to do. she suggested councelling a good few weeks ago but id dismissed it out of hand is i felt it wasnt for couples recently married. today i have emailed her saying id now considerate. fact is id do anything to save the marriage. on the other hand though im really upset by the way she has treated me. really struggled on my own in the flat last night, just felt so lonely. feel im in a bit of a situation whereby if she insists on a sale of the property the court would probably agree as there is no children involved. just cant believe all this has happened so soon after getting married. she changed jobs at the beggining of this year and now works for a larger company which has more social functions and has also made new friends. one in particular is single. keep thinking she was to just come and go as she pleases like her single friends. feel she may have gone through with the marriage as she didnt want to let family down and the amount of money that was spent. thing is she doesnt seem bothered but this is really eating me up. think ill take the advice dan was given about not contacting her although id find that hard to do. just want this resolved one way or the other. sorry if this is all a jumbled mess but im really confused right now.