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what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
18/02/07 at 10:53 am

my story is a long one i suppose, but i will try and cut it short. i am the cause of my marriage break down. i commited adultery and fatherd a child with this other woman. im separated from my wife and are waiting for the divource to come through. my soon to be ex wife has met another man and the are in love. i know they are in love because i trawl through her mobile phone text messages and evesdrop on thier phone conversations. i have even asked my 4 year old daughter for information. i am desparatly trying to move on with my life, but find my self doing dispicable things such as this. i guess im most angry with my self for causing all this and have my own self to blame and know this. i just seem unable to get over the fact that their may have been a slim chance of a reconciliation and that has now gone. i see their relaltionship as an emotional crutch that has gone too far and beyond the point of no return, as they have only been going out since september last year. i want to get past all this, but drag myself back down every time i go to see my kids. the other day i searched for valentines cards and found that he loves her,only after 6 months because he sees her as a friend and special person,etc, and she loves him as her makes her feel loved, wanted and sexy, and like no other man has done before. if she has moved on in such a way in such a short space of time, why cant i? i try not to live in the past but drag myself back into it, there are days i say to my self , that if it wasnt for the kids, id just not be here. i dont even know what i hope to achive by posting this here,i need some sort of way out of all this and my head clearing. somebody please help me.

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There are currently 23 replies.

Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Editor@InsideDivorce.com
19/02/07 at 3:52 pm

Hello Ryan. It sounds as if you are desperately trying to cling on to what you once had with your wife but you need to come to terms with the situation. Are you sure it’s what you want? You might benefit from seeing a therapist to discuss why you had an affair in the first place – if all was not rosy within your marriage you might just need to remind yourself that what has happened could be for the best. If you do want to try and get back together with your wife then encourage her to go to couples counselling – she might be waiting for you to make a big gesture. If, on the other hand, she is certain that there is no future for your relationship, you will have to accept that and let her move on.
The most important thing to think about in all of this is your children. Read: The divorcing parent's guide and How to: be a good dad post-divorce.

So, stop snooping around her belongings and do something positive to help clear your head. Talking to friends and family can help you gain perspective and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed, as you are definitely not the first person to be in this situation. While you might feel stressed and upset at the moment life will get better. Let us know how you get on.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
19/02/07 at 6:12 pm

thanks. i considerd talking to a doctor but dont want to put on drugs and im not sure if i could afford a therapist. i am trying despartly to come to terms with what has happend, i know for a fact that there is no way back for me but fail to move on suffciently enough. i have spoken to many people about my situation and they offer much the same advice, that it will all get better,but it is still hard although i was under no illiusion that it was ever gonna be easy. the hardest thing is seeing the kids unhappy and knowing that that is all my fault. i will do my best to sort my head out.

thanks.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Editor@InsideDivorce.com
20/02/07 at 10:30 am

If money is a problem it might be worth speaking to your doctor again as you might be able to get referred on the NHS (if that’s what you want to do). It sounds as if deep down you know you need to move on – the kids will feel happier with time and its normal to want mum and dad to stay together.
A recent piece of research that we carried out (where we interviewed 341 children aged between 10 and 15 years old) found that the key reactions/emotions felt as a result of divorce include:

I felt sad/helpless    40%
I felt I had to take sides/choose between them    35%
I envied friends whose parents were still together    33%
I was embarrassed to tell my friends    29%
I wanted them to get back to together    29%
My school work was affected    28%
I felt worried about the future    24%

Hopefully this will help you understand how they are feeling. However, the research also found that, with time…

•    80% of children of divorced parents say their home life is the same or better after divorce.
•    Just 28% of children of divorced parents want them to get back together.
•    The biggest benefit of a break-up for children is an end to arguments.
•    Few children – just 13% – object to their parents finding someone new after divorce.
•    90% of all the children [of divorced parents] reported that their childhood was “quite happy” or “very happy”.

Just spending quality time with them will help – let me know how you get on.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Denise Knowles, relationship & family counsellor and sex therapist for Relate.
20/02/07 at 2:57 pm

Guilt is driving your behaviour. It sounds as if you are punishing yourself by looking for more evidence of your estranged wife’s happiness, perhaps you feel you don’t deserve to be happy, or move on; because of the way you have treated your partner. You may even be fearful of moving on as that means that the relationship has no chance of reconciliation. Certainly your ongoing behaviour will not enamour your wife, it will only serve to put more distance between you. I’m not surprised that your ‘soon to be’ ex-wife feels in love and special as the contrast in behaviours are stark. Thinking that this new relationship is a crutch is a way of you keeping hope alive but isn’t doing anything to help.
You are saddened by seeing your children unhappy and it is important that they are supported; you and your wife are separated but you haven’t stopped being parents. Relate offer Relate for Parents which is a one off session focusing on the needs of the children, perhaps you and your wife would attend this, at least you are then doing something positive and proactive which will help you feel less stuck.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
20/02/07 at 6:02 pm

thanks denise, much of what you have said is what i feel. it is as though a hugh part of my life has been torn from me and i have absolutly no control of what is happening as it was i that has caused all of this any way. deep down i know there is no way of reconciling our relationship, but stupidly cling on to hope that there will be, i just seem to be going around in circles,if she can move on so quickly, why cant i? i have suggested counciling to my wife, but she states that there is no point due to what has happend, and that there could never be a way back for me,otherwise she would not have spent so much money on the divorce proceedings in the first place. im worried that if i go to see a therapist, i would be diagnosed as depressed, if that happens, would that not prevent me from getting certain jobs?

all in all, i am deeply sorry for what has happened and wish the whole thing never happened, i just want my head sorted out.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: mrs B
26/02/07 at 2:00 pm

ryan you cheated on your wife have you any idea how much that hurts.my husband cheated on me all through my 7 year relationship with him and then he promised in the church that hed be faithful so i married him.i let him go to thailand with his friends because i trusted him 100 percent as he had made vows in church HOW WRONG WAS I and he cheated on me....im a nice girl of 38 loyal 100 percent...SO WHAT MADE MY HUSBAND CHEAT...WAS IT JUST LUST?OR DID HE THINK HE WAS BEING CLEVER AND THOUGHT I CAN HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT.my husband now if full of remorse but how can we move on.....he still texts secretly and has a new lap top....I say you cheated and thats the biggest mistake anyone can do...your wife deserves to meet someone who isnt going to cheat on her and NEXT TIME YOU MEET SOMEONE MAKE SURE YOU ARE GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU AND YOU DONT CHEAT....NO WONDER MARRAIGES DONT LAST LIKE THEY USED TO YEARS AGO...MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED 40YEARS...ITS JUST UNFAIR WHEN MEN AND WOMEN DO CHEAT AND WHEN THEY GET FOUND OUT THEY ARE SORRY WELL YOU SHOULD OF THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CHEATED..

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
26/02/07 at 6:33 pm

i know all that, and have been told this many times. i just want to move on as she has done and find that i cant, why i cant, i dont really know. as stated earlier on it is probably down to guilt. i was never ever looking for sympathy, just a way of finding an answer to move on. i know what i did was wrong,i know that it was not just her that i hurt, i know that i am not a good person, i know all this. i just cant fully come to terms and i cant really cope anymore.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Editor@InsideDivorce.com
27/02/07 at 9:35 am

Ryan – guilt and regret are strong emotions but you will feel better with time. Having an affair was a mistake but it doesn't make you a bad person. You should really talk to a professional such as Denise Knowles at Relate – I strongly suggest you follow up some of her recommendations. Talking to someone who is non-judgemental will help a great deal and you need to focus on building a better life for yourself Also just because you've made one mistake doesn't mean you have to follow the same pattern – now you have a chance to prove to yourself and your ex (although I'm not in any way saying this couldwin her back) that you can be reliable and a decent father to your children.

This Relate book may help you:

After the Affair (Relate guide)

Julia Cole, £6.99

Finding out that your partner has had an affair can feel like the end of the world; the ultimate betrayal. This book takes a frank yet sensitive look at why people embark on affairs, explores the devastating effects on the person who has been betrayed, and shows how individuals and couples can recover.
Buy this book online now

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Miss Shazza
15/04/07 at 11:04 pm

Sorry mate, you were not looking for sympathy and you won't get any from me. You've blown it and to be honest it makes a change to see an unfaithful man suffer the consequences of having his brain in his pants. If you do enter another relationship maybe you'll think twice next time a female without morals comes into view

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: piglet
17/01/08 at 4:33 pm

Ryan, don't beat yourself up. I am in a very similar situation to you and I know how it feels when everyone gets on their high horse about 'WHAT IS RIGHT' etc. I suffer with terrible guilt over leaving my husband and what I have done to him, but sometimes relationships just end. I also have had feelings of thinking about getting back with him, like you, but I am much happier with my new partner. I think you need to sit down and talk to your wife about what has happened, and see if there might be a chance. If she says no, then you have to let go and try to move on. Don't spend your life living in past - I know that it doesn't work. Good luck.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: linda
06/03/07 at 12:12 pm

Ryan, I know exactly how you feel as I am going through a similar sort of divorce. I left my husband of 33 years for another man, I deeply regret my decision even though my husband had an affair and still is seeing this girl who is 22 years younger thatn him. I love my husband and want him back even though I have started divorce proceedings. I am grieving deeply and whilst I am still living with this other man I would go back to my husband tomorrow. I have pleaded this with him but he does not want to know. I am helpness and desperately unhappy.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
06/03/07 at 6:25 pm

i dont want to turn this into a whinging session and a i guess i should express these feelings when i have my session with relate.its all probably gonna repeat most of what i have posted earlier as well, so appologies. im just trying to move on with my life as she seems to have done. im finding it hard to socialise with other women, just for the simple fact that i dont think anyone will come anywhere near me once they find out what i have done. i build up a barrier and do not let it down for anyone anymore. i have registerd with relate now and await a time i can talk to a councillour. i still dont raelly know what i hope to get out of it all, but am sure it helps. i know right now there is no way back, i know i have deeply affected many people, my children in particular are expressing signs,in my view, of depression. and knowing that just makes me wonder what my place is in thier lives any more.

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moving on?

Posted by: clare
05/04/07 at 7:48 pm

well done for making that step to socialise and move on Ryan.I've been separated now for 6 years after 24 years together,and I still can't work out this moving on thing.I still grieve,and don't feel at all ready to 'move on'

Does anyone know what helps you to do it?

I can't afford counselling sessions....but the relief of letting go must be so wonderful

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: lindaamos57
08/04/07 at 1:46 pm

Nothing is wrong with you. You did a silly thing and are only now realising just how silly it was and what you are losing. You have to grieve and that will take time. Take one day at a time. Accept invitations to go out, even if you don't feel like it they will take your mind off what has happened.

It may be that your partner is in love on the rebound and the relationship won't last but you must let her go. Don't snoop any more, it will cause you more pain which you don't need. How will she feel if she finds out? If she wants to stay in contact with you she will. Go slowly and don't use your child as an informer. Just love her.

Good luck

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
10/04/07 at 6:24 pm

i have just started counceling and find it helps.i do not expect any miricle cures, just some guidance in finding the light at the end of the tunnel. i try to stay positive each day and try to remind myself of the other people that are involved in all of this and are hurting more than i am. it will be a long process, i hope i finnaly find some answers,some way in forgiving myself and helping the others involed that i have hurt to be happy.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: Smilexxx
22/06/07 at 9:42 am

Ryan.. Well i just came across your story whilst browsing this site and was stopped in my tracks.. I couldnt read the next line quick enough. I too have all the feelings you had. Because of my behaviour my marriage is over and I too have been trying to let go.. No-one understands as it was me who spoilt everything and even wanted the separation when it happened.. But now looking back I cant believe I was so stupid and my ex husband (we are not quite divorced) is happily in love with someone else and I watch my children go off to play happy families with them and altho it has now been three years and I have had several chances from dating to build new relationships I cant let go of the past. The replies you received mentioned guilt and i think that is true but for me it is the anger and frustration at myself for being so stupid. I had everything and I didnt lose it - I threw it all away! and living with that is the hardest thing. I dont really know why Im writing this - I can see you havent posted for over 2 months and you were trying counselling and I wondered how things were going for you now. Also just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write your feelings down for others like me to read. It helps a lot to realise you arent the only one..

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
01/09/07 at 1:39 pm

it has been quite awhile since i have posted. so far i have tried to get on with my life and ensure my children are happy and my ex awife is happy.if anything, whenever i try to make good of the bad things i have done, it takes a turn for the worse. i still have imense feelings of guilt, shame anger and hatred. currently i havent seen my kids in that last 6 weeks. the ex wife and i are in a despute resluting from the maintance payments i pay. i can now, in her words, only see my kids with a court order. i refuse to get a court order as it should be my natural right to see my own kids with out condition and restriction. im not a murderer, a thief or paedophile so i should have no restrictions on seeing them. i do now have a solicitor who is trying to work out mediation. if this doesnt work. i have a few last resort options to explore. so that is in a nut shell my life so far. maybe this is my just deserts and should just deal with it and eat whatever sh*tty sandwiich lif serves up on a plate for me. my own personal hell? karma? i just do not know anymore.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
01/09/07 at 1:40 pm

it has been quite awhile since i have posted. so far i have tried to get on with my life and ensure my children are happy and my ex awife is happy.if anything, whenever i try to make good of the bad things i have done, it takes a turn for the worse. i still have imense feelings of guilt, shame anger and hatred. currently i havent seen my kids in that last 6 weeks. the ex wife and i are in a despute resluting from the maintance payments i pay. i can now, in her words, only see my kids with a court order. i refuse to get a court order as it should be my natural right to see my own kids with out condition and restriction. im not a murderer, a thief or paedophile so i should have no restrictions on seeing them. i do now have a solicitor who is trying to work out mediation. if this doesnt work. i have a few last resort options to explore. so that is in a nut shell my life so far. maybe this is my just deserts and should just deal with it and eat whatever sh*tty sandwiich lif serves up on a plate for me. my own personal hell? karma? i just do not know anymore.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
01/09/07 at 1:40 pm

it has been quite awhile since i have posted. so far i have tried to get on with my life and ensure my children are happy and my ex awife is happy.if anything, whenever i try to make good of the bad things i have done, it takes a turn for the worse. i still have imense feelings of guilt, shame anger and hatred. currently i havent seen my kids in that last 6 weeks. the ex wife and i are in a despute resluting from the maintance payments i pay. i can now, in her words, only see my kids with a court order. i refuse to get a court order as it should be my natural right to see my own kids with out condition and restriction. im not a murderer, a thief or paedophile so i should have no restrictions on seeing them. i do now have a solicitor who is trying to work out mediation. if this doesnt work. i have a few last resort options to explore. so that is in a nut shell my life so far. maybe this is my just deserts and should just deal with it and eat whatever sh*tty sandwiich lif serves up on a plate for me. my own personal hell? karma? i just do not know anymore.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
01/09/07 at 1:40 pm

it has been quite awhile since i have posted. so far i have tried to get on with my life and ensure my children are happy and my ex awife is happy.if anything, whenever i try to make good of the bad things i have done, it takes a turn for the worse. i still have imense feelings of guilt, shame anger and hatred. currently i havent seen my kids in that last 6 weeks. the ex wife and i are in a despute resluting from the maintance payments i pay. i can now, in her words, only see my kids with a court order. i refuse to get a court order as it should be my natural right to see my own kids with out condition and restriction. im not a murderer, a thief or paedophile so i should have no restrictions on seeing them. i do now have a solicitor who is trying to work out mediation. if this doesnt work. i have a few last resort options to explore. so that is in a nut shell my life so far. maybe this is my just deserts and should just deal with it and eat whatever sh*tty sandwiich lif serves up on a plate for me. my own personal hell? karma? i just do not know anymore.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
01/09/07 at 1:42 pm

sorry for the multiple post. additionally though, i have tried started dating again as well, and even that is getting me down, i have lost track of all the knock backs. im starting to get a complex now. sorry for the whinges.

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
30/10/07 at 6:31 pm

havent posted since september. the despute with the ex wife caused me to not be able to see my kids for the last 4 months. contact has only been through our respective solicitors. it was gonna go to mediation but it turns out that the ex can not afford mediation as she is not on legal aid. we are no to go back to the origional care order that was in place with a few amendments. i am happy about this. in terms of my own wellbeing i feel i should be sorting myself out now, but still can not

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Re: what is wrong with me?

Posted by: ryan
02/02/08 at 2:45 pm

been nearly a year since i created this thread and a lost has happend, not all of it good,in acctual fact not a lot of it good.

im past the stage now of hoping for a reconcilliation as i know that has a snowballs chance in hell of happening. the divorce is all but through, just waiting for the absolute and a huge bill, suppposedly. the ex has found someone else and seems to be happy, i havent seen the kids in months as she deems me unfit to be in charge of them. so now i have to apply to the courts for access which was a route i did not want to go down, but my hand was forced. i could not just walk away and say, fair enough, you hate me and you dont want me to see the kids any more, so i wont. i just couldnt do that. in terms of me moving on and dating, that has been a slow and frustraiting almost predictable process. many women just see me as either lonley, sad, deserving of what happend to me or somesort of basket case and tend to distance themselves from me until my situation gets better. i say women, there really has only been 1 or 2 in the last year and a half so its not like i have been hitting the toon or owt, lol. i thank everyone that has posted comments, i still welcome more.

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