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How to: start a new life post divorce
29 January 2007
Divorce isn’t the end – it’s just the beginning of your fabulous new life.
- Say goodbye to bitterness. “If you continue to play the blame game and analyse whose fault everything is, you be stuck in bitterness,” said Paula Hall of relationship counselling service Relate. If you want to feel like your old self again, you have to put your divorce down to experience. “Letting go of bitterness is all about forgiveness and is made easier if you accept that you are partly responsible for the breakdown.” It won’t happen overnight, however, so tackle it one step at a time.
- Break free from routine. “Little things like changing your hairstyle or rearranging the furniture, can show you that life can change and there are millions of opportunities out there,” said Hall. With your ex, you might have been stuck in a place where things worked badly, but now you have the opportunity to decide how your future will be. “Make small changes at first and you’ll start to see how much you can enjoy your new-found freedom.”
- Count your good points. Many divorcees only come into their own, career-wise, when they become ambitious enough to work to support themselves again. Also, many divorcees develop a better relationship with their children when they aren’t counting on one person to take a primary child care role. Try to work out what you enjoyed doing before you became a couple, from flower arranging to rock climbing, and start doing it again.
- Avoid making the same mistakes. “Very often people repeat the mistakes in their second marriage that they made in the first,” says psychologist Dr Michael Carroll. Did you take your ex for granted? Not talk through problems until it was too late? If you’re stuck in a pattern of repetitive behaviour, speak to friends or go to a counsellor to discuss and try to resolve your issues.
- Kick-start your social life. Without a spouse, you’ll have an even greater need for friends as being on your own for long periods of time as you’ll become introspective. Mingling with other people educates you back into society and shows you there’s a wider world out there. Do some work for a local charity or join a club – you’ll soon find that you are meeting new and interesting people.
- Beware of rebound relationships. As well as taking care of your emotions, consider your finances too. in the summer of 2006 the law changed to make marriage more difficult for people with good earnings or accumulated wealth. More divorced people are now living together or ‘living apart together’ by maintaining their separate homes – not least because they cannot afford the risk of a second divorce and a second serious knock on their finances.
- Be kind to yourself. Divorce can knock your confidence: you may feel like a failure but you need to rebuild your self belief by learning what went wrong and how to move on from it. By all means, allow yourself some time to be miserable, but make sure you put the effort into picking yourself up again.
- Don’t over think the situation. Your relationships are just one part of your life. Spend time on you career, children, friends, health and other interests. If you have frustrations, channel it into your hobbies: take up running perhaps, or throw yourself into work. Odd as it sounds, sadness or loneliness can be powerful drivers of success. Some of the best lyrics, poems and art are created when people are at their saddest.
- Spend time with the kids. Divorce can be a stormy time for children. Many blame themselves for parents splitting up and are anxious about being abandoned. If you and your ex reassure your children time and time again, talk to them openly about any worries they may have and generally spend as much time with them as possible, then these worries will be minimised.
- Join the club. Since half of all marriages end in divorce, there are a lot of divorcees out there who can offer a sense of camaraderie. You might not want to advertise the issue, but don’t be scared to bring it up in conversation as you may just gain an ally.
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