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On the couch with Dr Victoria Lukats

12 December 2008

Victoria Lukats promotion’s psychiatrist and relationship expert, Dr Victoria Lukats, gets to grips with your relationship issues. 

I love my wife, but I think I might be gay 
I really love my wife and have a fantastic sex life with her, but recently I’ve been attracted to men. I keep having fantasies about gay sex and can’t get them out of my head. Should I do anything about it or just ignore the situation and hope it goes away?
Julian, London

Victoria says: “If you’ve only just started having these fantasies and you’re still attracted to your wife then it doesn’t seem that you’re gay. However, human sexuality is by its very nature, complicated. When it comes to the question of being gay or straight, it’s just a spectrum, with people who’s orientation is almost completely heterosexual at one end and people who’s orientation is almost completely homosexual at the other and. We can occupy any position on that spectrum. 

“If you try to ignore or squash the fantasies then that can only be a temporary solution. I would suggest seeing your fantasies as just that and feel free to fantasise about whatever you wish. This danger of trying to suppress things is that, number one, you’re admitting you’re feeling guilty about it (why should you?) and, number two, you could end up just obsessing even more. If you give yourself permission to fantasise without feeling guilty, then you may feel that just enjoying the fantasies is enough for you. You may even feel you want to share some of it with your wife, but you need to be careful with that and judge the situation sensitively and with regard for your wife’s feelings. Ultimately, the only person who can say if you are gay or bisexual and whether you need to express this side of your sexuality is you. And you’re only going to be able to answer those questions by being honest with yourself.”   

Cheating wife in a chat room
I’ve just found out that the woman I’ve been dating for the past three months – who I really care for – is married. I’m so upset and angry I really can’t think straight. I’m so tempted to get in touch with her husband and tell him that his wife is a cheating bitch. Surely he deserves to know what she’s been up to.
Thomas, Guildford

Victoria says: “You’re upset and hurt and rightly so. It’s normal to have feelings of anger in this situation and entirely normal to fantasise about speaking to her husband and imagining how he would react and what this would mean for the woman you’ve been dating. But I think you know deep down that this would be a mistake. You might have the temporary satisfaction of knowing that you’ve hurt her, but after that you’ll have the guilt of possibly breaking up a marriage and you may end up feeling that you’ve just stooped to her level. 

“Perhaps he does deserve to know, but it’s not your place to tell him. I would just leave them both alone and concentrate on getting over her. You may not forget about her, but in time your life will return to normal (perhaps it has done already) and the thoughts of getting your own back will be put to the back of your mind. Once things have settled down you will be able to look back at the whole thing and know that you did nothing wrong.” 

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